I'm not sure why....lately, I just don't feel good enough. For anyone. I feel like everyone's giving up on me, like no one believes I'll make something of myself, like everything I've done with my life was a fail. Am I really that pointless? Do I matter? If I did, then things would be different..I'd be happy. I have moments were I'm amazingly happy, but I always fall asleep crying...I'm almost to the point where I want to give up. I don't know why. The past month, I've made really amazing friends who tell me I matter, who tell me I'm beautiful, that I don't need to change..it means a lot, but I feel deceived. Not saying they are liars,...I was in love once, with someone who told me all of that and he went and broke my heart. My best friend told me those things too...and we stopped talking. I don't want to lose anyone...I'm tired of losing people I love and trust. It could be the fact I'm having an anxiety attack, but I just want to be done. With everything. :(
Ever since I moved out to the country, I've wanted to plant some flowers and make my house look, home-ier. I haven't been out much, which reminds me of how summers closer and how i despise it. I can't wear shorts, because of the scars on my upper thigh, like it matters, i never wore shorts anyway. I'm more of a capri person. I'm only excited for amusement parks, long days in the city with my sister and niece, the summer wind, walking around at night with my friends, okay okay, I do love summer, but I just hate how slutty everyone becomes. Especially with this "yolo" bullshit. That gives no one an excuse to become a slut and fuck everyone. Man, that annoys me. >:/
Not much has been happening in my life, which is kind of typical. I've been sitting around, finishing tv shows on Netflix. Weeds, Arrested Development, Breaking Bad, The Office, South Park, American Dad, Pretty Little Liars, and some very bizarre movies. I've been doing a lot of my online schooling. Started kind of exercising. Started writing again, like I used too. Everything is looking up, I haven't been taking my pills, maybe thats why I'm all happy-go-lucky. Oh, and Ali. God, she's amazing. Every time we talk, I am one step closer to telling her how I feel, then I'm reminded of how I could lose her friendship. Which means the world to me. She's so awesome. :) But, there's this guy who's been clouding my mind, blocking every thought of being with Ali. I think back to the days when we'd have class and I would wonder why we'd never talk. Then he leaves town and we talk all the time..It doesn't make sense. He's smart though, which is something I admire about him. He's just a geek, but I like him. A lot. He makes my heart beat faster and my stomach hurt. I guess those are called butterflies. So it's obvious, I really like him. I hope that he comes back in the summer to see me. I just want to laze around with him and watch foreign horror movies. Probably won't happen though, I am not his type, which bothers me. Like what the hell is a type? I think its a made up thing that gives people an excuse to make a mistake over and over. Or make the right choice, I guess it depends.
I'm supposed to be taking a test right now, but I can't concentrate, damn you EP.
I like to waste time on the internet. What teenager doesn't? I loooove youtube, facebook, EP (obviously), and well anything that numbs the mind. I've been spending a lot of time lately taking quizzes on quizilla. Despite the fact the quizzes aren't like real. I take them anyway. Today, I've learned if I were a fairy I'd be a Ocean Fairy. Not surprised since I marked all the ones that had to do with the ocean. :l I hate obvious quizzes. But, I feel like I learn something new about myself after taking a few. Yesterday, I took a quiz to find out what my "teenage style" is. The choices were very slim. The options were very small-minded. -_- My teenage style is supposedly goth. I don't agree, but I don't disagree. The obvious quizzes. Am I addicted to tv? I'll answer that myself. Yes. I love tv. Watch it all day, almost all night. Netflix ftw!! :D Took the quiz, What Awesome Song Are You? I am Thrift Shop by Macklemore. Good song no doubt, my mom loves it. Haha, a song I really don't mind is Gentleman by Psy. He's the guy who made Gangnam Style if you didn't know that. I'd be surprised if you didn't. It was a great song, then it got over played. No surprise. I hate when society over populates a song. 0_0 that statement doesn't make sense. Anyway, I'm going to go enjoy The Office and playing games on AddictingGames.com. :)
These weird stomach pains are something worse than just stomach pains..than I want everything to be different. I want Ali to know she's my world. I love her more than she'll ever know. Maybe someday I'll have the ability to tell her what she means to me. Maybe she'll feel the same. I'd want T to know that he's brightened my life more than I could have asked. He made me feel wanted and beautiful despite my mistakes. I admire him and who he'll become. Because I know he'll be something..someone amazing. Also my ex, he put a light in my life when it was dark. When I felt suicide was an only option, he showed me that everything was okay. He was the first guy to give me butterflies. He's agreat guy...he has so much potential to become something great. I love him and always will. I guess that's the consequence of a first love. I could go on forever about the people who've changed me, but for now that'll have to do. Just in case its worse than expected..
My mind is in a place right now where cutting seems like the only solution. I know its not. I keep convincing myself the stinging release of a fresh wound isn't worth it.But, its exactly what I want to feel right now. A release. I feel like I'm living in a film reel that keeps playing the same thing over and over. I want to make it stop. I want it to change. How? Cutting myself isn't going to change anything. Talking to someone won't change anything either. So what am I left with? What am I forcing myself to do? I can make a choice. Or I can go to sleep, and hope that tomorrow brings something new. That's all I'm left with. Hope.
That's how I feel today. I have a small coldsore on my lip and it's just killing my confidence. Really it is. Not a big deal though I guess. When my sister comes to pick me up she'll say shit about it and make me want to cut my wrists, but it happens. -____________-
Anyway, I've been thinking alot about my friend Ali. I've liked her since last summer and I want to tell her. Despite the fact it could ruin our friendship, it could also maybe possibly open new doors. You know? I highly doubt the possibility of anything happening between us, but you never know. Lately, I've also been thinking about graduation. As most of you don't know, I started online schooling at home. I hate school, despise everything about it. This online schooling gives me a chance at, not only catching up in school, but getting ahead. Maybe even graduating early. Hell. Yeah. I want to graduate early, so I can tell all my classmates to F-CK OFF. I just want to show everyone that I am capable of more than just being a bitch. I've got to finish this blog up. I'm making shells and cheese and when my sister comes over she's going to eat it all. :l
I'm sitting here watching Archie's Final Project, just thinking about life. It's a great movie watch it. It's about a kid who films his final moments leading up to his suicide. It makes me cry everytime. I'm not a chick flick kind of person, but god damn this movie..just kills me. Made me think about love. Like, why do people under estimate such an intense feeling?..it shouldn't be a feeling that gets tossed around. Im most likely just talking about a bunch of shit...but its fucked up movies like these that make me wonder and wish my little attempt would've worked. Just too see what would've happened. I know I would've been missed, but like every death...they would've gotten used to it. They would've..put it in the past. I don't think it matters. The past Is the past and that's all it'll ever be. The past. I apologize for my change of thoughts...but like usual..I write exactly what's on mind. And this is it.
I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about what ifs. Like what if I dated my best guy friend. That'd be great. But what if Im in love with my best girl friend. So I've been thinking about the possibility. Which both are very slim. A few dnays ago, Ali's ex texts me...and asks if im dtf. Most of you should know what that means. Incase you dont..it means down to f-ck. At first I'm like whoa. What the hell. My best friends ex. Thats just not right. I thought about it and said maybe. (Self-respect goes down the tube.) We haven't talked in a while, but I'm still debating it. Like I don't see what could go wrong, but there can't be anything good that would come out of that. I won't do it though. He thinks I'm experienced. He has no idea I'm still a virgin. Abd I wouldn't want to do anything to make Ali hate me. I love her too much for that to happen. Tomorrow we get internet. Thank gawd. If you dont know I blog from my phone. But tomorrow ill be able to blog from the computer. Yay! :)
This morning when I woke up, I automatically checked my phone. As I do every morning. 6text messages. My heart stopped. 6 messages? That couldnt be good. Not unless its my birthday. Which is eight months away. Anyway, I read the messages, who were from my friend who moved to Minnesota. At first I thought I was reading a suicide note. It was sad and made me feel numb. What was this? I wondered. Tears fell heavy when I was done reading it. I read it again and again. Analyzing and memorizing the words that could be his last. The last message asked me not to reply and to have a good day. Both were impossible. I replied telling him I loved him and he mattered to me. After hours passed I started feeling sick. I asked ep what I should do and some told me to blow up his phone with messages and calls. I did in which I got no reply. Im writing this now because I cant sleep. Im worried about him. And im just hoping he didn't do anything he shouldnt. :'(
Yesterday started out boring. I sat around and did absolutely nothing. Around 5-ish my sister picked me up and we went to the city. Went to Home Depot, Staples, Best Buy, andTaco John's. I love the potato oles. :) anyway, my friend Ali texts me. She asks for help trying to get her ex to back off. I helped. And I decided that tonight was the night I tell her im bisexual. So I did. Her reaction was...different from what I was expecting. She said, "I think I might be too". My heart was beating so fast and a million thoughts went through my head.I was happy and confused.we talked more about it then she asked me if I ever thought about her like that. By that she ment more than friends. I told her the possibility is dead, we're friends right? She agreed. But if you follow my blogs you'd know that I've had a crush on Ali for a while now. I just don't think...it was the right time to tell her. But knowing that she's bicurious..just makes me a lil happy. :p I'm confused though. Will she ever be open to the idea of a relationship with me? Or Is that just a long lost hope? :/
I've been called that so many times. I don't lie though, and if I do i still don't consider it a lie. It's a stretched truth. Don't judge me because I lie sometimes. Everyone lies. Just depends what you lie about. The reason I've brought up lying is because I've been watching season 1 and 2 of Pretty Little Liars. I wonder who I'm most like between the main characters. I'd say I'm a littke Spencer and Alison. I do believe it'd be fascinating to die in sometragic way. Realistically the glamour of that isn't even glamorous. It's horrible. If you watch the show and follow the story as obsessively as I do, than you'd know who "A" is. According to the books anyway. I won't give away any spoilers. I wont ruin that for you, my darlings. ^-^
Hats what im doing today with my sister. Its a slow day, slower when we went to this chinese place for lunch. I didn't sleep well only because I was cold. Im writing about nothing. :l I apologize. Anyway, I've been thinking a shit ton about my ex. Only because he's been in my dreams and everything reminds me of him. I'm like ugh get out of my head. Then it made me think, is he thinking about me too?. Probably not. Who knows? That guy is unpredictable. I'm also getting new glasses. Whoohoo. I was thinking about contacts as well, but I feel literally naked without glasses. :/ I think its time for a new look. Day made, Michael Jackson is on the radio. :) haha.
Keeps getting more boring. My days drag on from the seconf I wake upto the minute I fall asleep. Im getting back into drawing, like I used to be. And writing like I used to do all the time. My minds been living in the past. I keep thinking of my ex and I constantly wonder about her. By her i mean Ali. I miss schoolso much, I keep having dreams about school and I've decided to go into school tomorrow. Im nervous and I hope I see no one special. Im only going into school so I can pay my dues and talk to the principal. Anyway, I never thought I'd miss school, because I hated it so much. But, a part of me wishes I would've stayed in school. I mean, I'm doing online school but I miss being there socially. Im so patheticly alone these days. :/ friends dont talk to me as much and im just..so alone! Hah, like the loser I am.
I'm watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I can honestly say its my favorite movie. For now anyway. I relate to it, in ways which makes me like it. I also watched the movie Bully. A documentary about kids who gets bullies because they're unique. It had it's sad moments, that's for sure. But, It made me think a lot. How everything changes and how nothing is forever. It was mind-changing I guess. I do suggest watching these movies, but it's not like I'll beat you up if you don't. I'm just suggesting. ^-^ anyhow, she's on my mind again. But when I think about her I think of all the shitty guys she's been with. And how she could do better. -____- but whatever. I got my presc
I've know this guy since, 9th grade. He dated my beat friend and this summer he wants to go on a date. Well that's what he said. He moved away about a few months ago. I miss him, I really do. I guess, I never really thought about him as anything but a friend. But, I guess that sort of changed. I don't like him,but I guess it'd be fun to hang out..just him and me. ^-^ in other news, Ali is so blind to my obvious affection. Maybe it's just the idea of being with her I like. Perhaps I don't even like her. Pshh. She drives me crazy. For real though, she is blind af. Or maybe she'd never even thought about me like that. Which would make sense. She my best friend. Oh and I don't support her relationship at all. She could do better. And no I'm not saying that cause I'm jealous. Im not jealous. J just dont think he deserves her. But whatever. -___- headache from these confusing feelings.:/
Rage. I just feel angry. At the same time I could bawl my fucking eyes out...when I cry I want to cut. Slice my skin open. The second I lift the blade I feel so much better. When blood dots my wound I get lightheaded. I close my eyes and let the blood run. I breathe. Concentrating on nothing but my breathe and the feeling of that blood. Right now, im angry and with my sister so I have to hold back. When I cry my eyes burn and my throat gets the tear-lump. I dont make noise when I cry either. Thank gawd. It totalky has its advantages. No one can even tell. Sometimes.I want to cry but the second I let tears fall, I won't be able to stop...so ill try to ignore this feeling of sadness, anger, and lonliness..I haven't felt this way since my suicide attempt. Before I took those pills I just felt...exactly how I do now. So should I try again..? I know people wouldn't miss me as much because I dont see my friends anymore and im growing distant with my family. Suicide.. hm. I'll let the thought hang out in my mind ...for now.
That's where I am, and where I shall remain to be. Its super icey outside so we can't really go anywhere. I've been sitting around drinking tea. Its bitter because we are out of sugar. :l up until an hour ago I was playing ps2 games. Now, im watching scary movies. Not good ones either.I wish we had internet. Thus we'd have netflix. Then I could watch better movies and catch up on the walking dead and greys anatomy. Im tempted to watch Desperate Housewives again, I loved that shiw so much! And the ending..just made my heart sink. :( but I'd love watching that again. :p I want to play monopoly but I have no one to play it with. :/ I think ill just sleep. And hopefully when I wake up it'll be tomorrow.
That the fact she has a boyfriend doesn't bother me. Its easy to pretend im happy for her. Its not easy to pretend that I dont like her like that.. But iknow she can do better. He won't last long. Just another chapter in her book. She's texting me right now telling me how great her date was. -_- I miss her. A lot. I miss her witty sarcastic perverted comments. :l BUT, we're just friends and that's all we will be. Someday I'll tell her. I think that day we'll both be wasted. So neither of us will remember. :l hopefully...I think she..really likes him though. Sure she likes guys..but this seems different. She keeps saying how happy she is and all this junk. All I can say...if he breaks her heart, I'll snap his neck. >:l
Up until an hour ago I was laying around, listening to depressing music. I have a playlist dedicated to music like that.
All I See by Lydia
Hurt by Johnny Cash
Saco Amaretto Lime by Brand New
Speaking a Dead Language by Joy Williams
Sail by Awolnation
A bunch of Lana del Ray and Drake songs. Songs that make me think about life are on the playlist. Today I put All I See on repeat and I just thought about stuff..somehow I ended up crying and broke my chain of not cutting. Yeah...I cut myself. No where visible. I dont really regret it. But I know this time it won't become a habit. It was more of a of-the-moment kind of thing. I won't lie and this will sound messed up but seeing the blood made me feel relieved. I felt so much better. Iknow, iknow that sounds messed up. It made me remember why I used to do it so much. The after feeling is like...finally being able to breathe. I won't do it again, too messy. But, I dont feel depressed or anything. In fact, I feel so much better I started cleaning and rearranging my living room. So what's to say cutting didn't help? It made me feel a million times better. ^-^
I woke up and right away I thought what would happen if I shot myself. Right away I knew today was going to be sketchy. I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning. Im so overweight killing myself is becoming an option. Or perhaps vomiting after I eat. I tried that once and it didn't work out. I can't stand throwing up. Exercise would be a good solution, but when everyday is different its not easy to find time to workout. I was thinking about getting zumba though. We did it for gym once and it was fun. Hah. Anyhow, its my anti-depressants that I take. They've made me gain so much weight. Like ill eat food and ill feel full yet ill still be hungry. My doctor said he'd change that soon. I really hope he does. This weight make me unhappy. Especially whrn all my friends are smaller than me. :l
Previous PostsKind of Upset, posted May 18th, 2013
Blue Flowers, posted May 5th, 2013, 1 comment
Wasting Time., posted April 15th, 2013, 1 comment
If, posted April 14th, 2013
Fighting Temptations.., posted April 14th, 2013
Ugly, posted April 4th, 2013
Final Project, posted March 30th, 2013
Taken into Consideration, posted March 27th, 2013
Asleep, posted March 21st, 2013
Friendzoned Secrets, posted March 9th, 2013
Liar, posted March 8th, 2013
Errands, posted March 1st, 2013
My Everyday, posted February 28th, 2013
Wallflower, posted February 18th, 2013
Lovestruck, posted February 11th, 2013
Rage and Tears, posted January 30th, 2013
Inside, posted January 27th, 2013
Its Easy To Pretend.., posted January 27th, 2013
Meltdown, posted January 26th, 2013
Depressed, posted January 26th, 2013, 2 comments
Heeeavy, posted January 25th, 2013, 1 comment
Today Will Be Hell, posted January 25th, 2013
Best Friend's Boyfriend, posted January 23rd, 2013, 1 comment
Chillin, posted January 21st, 2013
I'm So Sick, posted January 18th, 2013
Friends or "Friends"?, posted January 17th, 2013
First Day, posted January 17th, 2013, 1 comment
Can't Cope, posted January 13th, 2013
Dropout, posted January 13th, 2013
What Happens in Walmart, posted January 12th, 2013
hopeless..., posted January 11th, 2013
just realized, posted January 6th, 2013
my heart is heavy, posted January 6th, 2013
I think his name is Hunter, posted January 3rd, 2013
Party! How Bout You?, posted December 31st, 2012
Growing Skills, posted December 30th, 2012
Railroad Fatality, posted December 30th, 2012
The Sun is Real Bright, posted December 29th, 2012
Dealing With Him, posted December 28th, 2012
Do's and Dont's, posted December 28th, 2012
Playdough and Cereal, posted December 28th, 2012
Back So Soon?, posted December 27th, 2012
Leaving For Awhile.., posted December 27th, 2012, 1 comment
In A Corner, posted December 24th, 2012, 1 comment
Day Two: Christmas Eve, posted December 24th, 2012
What's the meaning of Family?, posted December 23rd, 2012
Slightly Heartbroken, posted December 23rd, 2012
Fatherless, posted December 22nd, 2012, 1 comment
Awkward in Disguise, posted December 22nd, 2012
Starting To Get Personal, posted December 22nd, 2012
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