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letterstothesky's Blog


I've Been Slacking

With everything in my life right now. Keeping up with my blog, working on getting a job, my very complicated relationship with a guy, and Gawd my online schooling? I haven't been doing any of that. I really need to straighten up my life. It's getting out of hand, almost. So, keeping up with this blog isn't hard. Not much has been happening, and I like to keep you guys interested in what I have to say. So, in a way, its difficult to do when I don't have anything interesting to talk about. Getting a job,..yeah, that's going nowhere. I've never had a job and every job I get an application for requires previous job experience. I've typed job so much, I'm questioning it's existance. Not to mention, my resume is very small. Soo, that led me to looking for volunteer work. I actually just got an email back for this one volunteer work. It's basically working with intellectually disabled adults. I'm looking forward to it, not only because I get out of the house, but the lady I might work with loves to paint and her paintings are amazing. I shit you not. So, I'm hoping to learn a thing or two from her. My brother-in-law also told me volunteer work looks good on applications. Oh boy, wait until I tell you guys about my relationship status. I am dating someone. He's pure awesomeness, it's like the first real relationship I've ever been in. We have fun together, but we argue over dumb shit all the time. We have to keep our relationship a secret though, because he's two times my age. I know, that could make me look like a sugar baby or it could make him look like a pedophile looking for young teens..but it's really not that way. I can't describe the things we've talked about and in some off way, I think he's with me for an act of guilt. I've told him about my life and all the gory details. (not literally gory.) If you know my life, it's pretty..not normal. What family is these days, right? Anyhow, we're in a place where we don't know if we want to risk all the shit to be together or just call it quits. I don't know what I want..It's irritating to think about. So, how has my onlineschooling been going? Horribly! I don't understand some of it, so if any of you are good at english elements. Message me. :) hah, just kidding. I'll figure it out on my own. I just get so discouraged about it all. I don't have much support at home, and I'm the type of person that relies on some kind of support..So yeah, not exactly easy. I hope that my little entry did not bore you, but updated you on my little life slack. I will update soon, because I think I should. So see you around, dolls. :)

Growing Up

Unlike other kids my age, I wanted to stay young forever. It was great. Life was well, I didn't have to deal with all that "grown up" stuff. Today, my sister helped me figure out what I need to start doing with my life. We were driving around, running errands, and talking about what happens when her baby comes. It's her second kid, and I don't want to interfere with their family life anymore. So, I decided to make a resume, (which was very small, being I haven't had a job) and fill out some applications. I filled out two, and signed up for a website for babysitters. I contacted my friends and talked to them about being roommates. It hurt when they all said they couldn't. I held back the tears and when 11 o'clock hit, I let them fly. I was pure devastated. I feel like I'm being left behind, while everyone moves on. I want to move on too! I don't care if they forget me, I'm not very memorable. Just that one girl with glasses and long brown hair. I just want them to be happy. I think they will, if they all got over the boyfriend thing. You know..all chicks do it. They date a guy for a while, thinking he's different, because he's not like the last. Of course he's not like the last guy, they are two different people! They want to start a life with them, thinking it'll be everything they want. I enjoy watching the show, especially when it fails. I hate seeing my friends hurt, but I like knowing I was right. I like knowing that they are naive. (Wow, some friend I am, huh?) Anyhow, I decided that maybe a job will help me make friends who could be potential roommates. Whoever it may be, they have to be okay with my niece and nephew. I love them and I'm sure they'll be over a lot. I want some place that allows pets, I want a cat and an iguana or baby giraffee..but an iguana is more likely. Tonight, I decided to start doing my online schooling again. I've done a good amount of it, so much so..I might be done with this semester tonight. Which I'm looking forward too. Another one down, a handful more to go. Then, I can really start my life. Hopefully, I'll have a better grip on my friends by then. And on myself. I hope to start some therapy sessions soon, I'm starting to worry myself and the ones around me. Scary, huh? Anyhow, I have to finish some tests. Wish me luck. :)

A Month Already?

Well, clearly it's been a while and the format to write a blog has changed quite a bit. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm currently sitting on my bed, letting my freshly painted black nails try. I'm debating if I want to do laundry tonight or tomorrow. Since it snowed like hell here today, I doubt we'll be doing anything tomorrow. Who knows. My sister is pretty damn unpredictable. And 17 weeks pregnant! Have I mentioned that before? I can't remember what I've told you guys and what I haven't. My apologies if I repeat some things. So, let's see..I went to a doctor's appointment for a check up and blood test, since I've taken a few bites of the forbidden fruit. I'm clean, but I've gained so much weight in the past year that my doctor said she was concerned. The pills that I take for my depression are the factor, well..that's what she suspects. I've been taking 40mg of Celexa. I take it every other day, I used to take it once a day, but I was running out fast and I sometimes had to go a few days without the pills. I can always tell when I don't take one or haven't for a while. It's like those commercials for depression, where the dark cloud is following a girl around or everythings black and white..Sometimes, I feel sad..others I feel pissed off. When I don't take my pills and I don't want to feel those feelings. I sleep. I don't dream when I take ZzzQuil or Nyquil. I love taking them though. Months ago, a lady told me she suspected substance abuse. I was like shocked out of my mind when I heard that. Substance abuse?! For loving sleep? I don't think so. Which brings me to another subject...I have NOT cut myself in two months. I won't deny that the urges do pop up once in a while, but I deep breathe for a few minutes and its gone. I'm so proud of myself. As dumb as that sounds..its true. So let's see..what else is new? My other sister moved into a house with her longterm boyfriend. My great Gramma thinks he doesn't really love her. Since he hasn't proposed or gave her  promise ring. I hope they do last, because they'd make cute babies. I just wish they'd both wake up a little. They're living the life of a lottery ticket winner. Neither have jobs, nor do they want any. They spend money on little things too much..I don't know. I just hope they end up together, despite everyone who says otherwise. I like rooting for the underdogs, because I see myself in them. (Know what poem that's from?) I got a haircut, seven inches off. Anyone who's had long hair knows that when they get a haircut they feel weird for a long time. I can't braid it like I used too, which bums me out. I just thought I'd update my blog and try to manage it better. I've been slacking majorly. And because I know a handful of people care, I just wanted to let you know I didn't forget about you. I'll update again soon, my lovelies. :)

From the Notes On My Phone

Irrelevant. To everyone. I'm the girl with so many secrets I'm drowning. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe my life ending will be a greater beginning. Wish someone could see the pain written on my face, but instead they see the smile that makes me appear to be what I'm not. Happy. I wish someone would notice that I'm not fine, okay, or just tired..That my words are just a cover for how I really feel. I'm so lost in the emotions that run my life that I can't find a way out. Not even suicide will change anything. I'm lost..not likely to be found. No one cares enough. Will anyone go out of their way to know me, love me, understand me? I couldn't ansewr that, but for now I'm walking a solo path. Hoping someday, I'll feel important. Someday, I won't be what I've always been. Invisible. People seeing past me or blinded by the fake cover I put on. I am visible. I want to be seen. No one cares to ask the girl with scars on her arm what they are, where they came from, or how I got them. Even if they did, I'd reply the same way I always do. With a smile and a lie. They don't need to know I'm a habitual self-harmer. Cut. The scars written under my clothing leave stories for me to define. A definition no one cares to listen too.

November's Gone

It went by WAY too quickly. My life's been shook, tattered, torn, and misshaped in this past month. I've learned a lot and decided if I'm ever in a relationship soon, I'll keep all my drama to myself. Not like I have a lot of drama, I'm quite silent. People get irritated when I try to keep and solve my problems by myself. I could see how that's annoying, but I work better that way. I know this blog will be sorta short, being I'm writing it half asleep. I apologize if it doesn't make sense. Anyhow, I've been with three different guys this past month. Call me a whore, I'm just experimenting. Everyone has skanky days, I'm just doing mine before college. Every minute spent with those guys were spent with a naive mind. Thinking something good will come from it each and every time. I've sworn off guys for a while. I just want a guy who'll hug me when I need it. I want a cuddle buddy. A guy who doesn't mind watching anime or horror movies with me. I want so many qualities, but I'm willing to settle. Hah, I don't mean to sound like a bitch or anything. I've been cutting with the sharpest of glass. I've been tending to the wounds and keeping care of them. Everything's going decent with that. They've healed and I plan on getting a tattoo over my wrist. I got my ID earlier this month, so I'm making final decisions on tattoos and possible piercings. I suppose this will be the end of this blog, being I'm seconds from falling asleep and the screen keeps getting blurry. Obvious signs..I need sleep. I'll be sure to type blog part 2 tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Oh, just a cautionary detail about my pictures. I've uploaded a before/after picture of my wrist. It contains graphic material unsuitable for anyone under the age of 13. Hah, I sound like a commercial. I'm off for my beloved sleep. :)

Want To Go Private

By: Sarah Darer Littman. The book caught my eye in Barnes and Noble the day before yesterday. Without question, I picked up the book and read the summary or teaser on the back. Abby and Luke chat online. They've never met. But they're going to. Soon. I didn't even need to read the rest because I knew I was going to buy it. I bought it, and immediatly that night I started reading it. You see, when I read a book I get so drawn into every single word that I...no matter how dumb it might sound, I become the character. I can feel everything she feels and I understand every word on the page. This book, was about a girl starting her freshman year in high school, obviously a frightening time for any girl. She's pressured by her parents to get straight A's, and she feels lowly about herself because her younger sister Lily has a more carefree life. Her friend Faith branches out, but Abby doesn't. She meets a guy named Luke online who grooms her into falling in love with him. (Child grooming comprises actions deliberately undertaken with the aim of befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, to lower the child's inhibitions in preparation to sexually assault the child, or to exploit the child) You'll have to read more of it, if you want to know what happens to Abby. But, by the time I finished the book I was in tears. I was scared, terrified, angry, hurt, and I was shocked. This book isn't lying about anything. It's all things that really happen. I won't lie, I've done my fair share of inappropriate messaging or whatever. But, when this guy "groomed" her..I felt violated. I got rid of my kik, because I feeling so empty and scared. I'm always open to making friends on here, but I don't want anything more than that so please rethink when you message me. I just want to make this book known, because it really opened my eyes to what I thought wasn't suspicious. I don't care if you guys think this blog entry is a load of horse shit. I just had to get all of that off my mind, because it was losing me sleep. Check out the book! Want To Go Private by: Sarah Darer Littman. Have a great day, friends! :)

It's Been 1 Year

Since I started writing this. I can't believe how fast time flies and how little I've changed. Physically, I've changed. Maybe emotionally. I feel more responsible for my life, more grown up, perhaps? I'm not really sure what to type in this, because my life has been pretty boring. My brother-in-law just got a huge job offer, which he gladly accepted. His friend has been living with us until he can get on his feet, and he also got a job today. My other sister just made an offer on a house, which she'll probably get. So much is going on around me, yet I'm not doing anything. I tried to fill out my first application, but it asked for a resume, which I don't have or don't know how to make one. (if you can help me, please message me) I'm going to apply to my favorite stores, then to the ones I care least about. Hopefully I get a job. I need one to keep my mind occupied. I've been cutting myself with pieces of a mirror that I broke on purpose. No matter how morbid it sounds, the comfort of the blade is more comfort than any human can give me. Or maybe I just don't have real friends. I'm not sure. I've been cutting in the traditional places, my left wrist and thigh. Wrist has healed pretty good already, being I take good care of my wounds. My thigh is healing slowly, which is expected. I like cutting with the little glass pieces because they slice better than the big pieces, which doesn't make sense to me. Anyhow, I've also been taking my antidepressants, so this cutting will likely go away. It's also been almost one year since I've tried to kill myself. Which just blows my mind. If it worked, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be typing all of this, living my life, seeing my niece grow, laughing at stupid things with my sister, making life decisions...If I would've killed myself, I wouldn't be here, I'd be dead, and that just..feels so surreal to me. I don't feel suicidal at all anymore. I often wonder what if, but I don't feel depressed like I did back then. I don't feel necessarily happy, but I don't feel that depressed. I feel...content. Like, I'm capable of doing everything with a clear and stable mindset. I'm happy being like that too, practically stress free. :) I'm still doing my online schooling and thanks to this Wisdom King (my nickname for him), I feel more confident about doing my school wok and pursuing my future dreams. It'll take a while for me to get it done, but the fact is that I'll make it. I'll someday hold that diploma in my hands. ^_^ I often wonder if there are any people who've read all my blogs and if you did, well thank you. That doesn't sound modest but it is, I know I'm not known or famous, I don't want to be, but it means a lot that people actually read these. Feels like people care and that means the world to me! So thanks for reading and continue reading, because I'll definitely be writing more! :) Remember if you ever have questions or need a friend I'm here so don't be shy. Happy 1 Year Everybody. :)

Sleepless in Iowa

The windows propped open so theres a nice breeze. I haven't been trying to sleep for long, but I have the feeling that I won't sleep well tonight. Mostly becuase of the Creepypastas I've read and the what ifs that are crowding my brain right now. I should have done that instead of this, those are also going through my mind. I keep turning the tv on. The sound is too much but the silence is too loud. My eyeshadow, which I forgot to wipe off is burning my eye. Tonight, is going to be hell. I sort of want to go home..but I want to see Ali and ShayShay. I seen Adam today, as I predicted we ddidn't speak. I checked him out and he just smiled knowing he makes me insane. ↓ the blog beneath this is about him as well. He's that important he should be in my blog..he has been a lot. He was my first love. Kind of. Country living problems. I can hear a mouse running through the ceiling. This house is ancient so it's not surprising. I want to kiss someone and cuddle right now. I want to be close to another being. Even if it was my niece or my dog..it woukd stilk be someone. I want to be told that everything will be fine. I don't need the blade or the sharp shards of glass to dig into my skin to tell me otherwise. Though, I know now once I get home I'm going to press that blade so deep into my thigh it'll draw a scary amount of blood. Ofcourse I have to be careful, the carpet is an off white. Bleeding on that floor my sister would kill me. my eyelids are getting heavy which is an obviously good thing. Means Ill be asleep soon. Yay. Good night my friends and fellow Ep civilians. Sleep well.

"You're my best friend"

Ouch. I've been friendzoned..so hard. I won't lie, I'll always have soft heart for my ex, who is now my best friend. I'll always be his friend and I'll always be there when he needs anything. But, it kills me to hear about his girl problems. To know he's moving on stings. I mean, I tell him about guys in my life, but clearly it has no effect. We are friends. And I have to tell myself that, everytime we talk or get flirty. That's just what friends do. Right? I don't have a lot of guy friends. I'm not quite sure why..guys just don't think I'm friendly enough or something..I'm not sure. We didn't talk long. I honestly, really just want him to be happy. But I don't want him to date some girl that will tell him to stop talking to me. We, really aren't going to become anything ever, so why would some jealous bitch need to break off our friendship? How rude. I think it'd be amazing to be his friend forever, because I love him and I want to see him be happy. He really deserves the best, even though he isn't patient, he deserves the best. He's a sweet and amazing guy. I love him. As a friend. I'm sure we're all thinking the same thing. It's obvious you still like him. I'm pretty sure I love the guy, but even if it's not with me, I want him to be happy. He is and will be. So, that's good enough for me. I just wish he knew how much he really means to me. He doesn't need to know that though. It won't change anything. And I'm actually okay with that.

Advertisement

I watch a lot of tv. It's debatable rather it's bad for me or not. Really, it just depends on what I watch. Sometimes, it's shows like Breaking Bad, Arrested Development, Weeds, The Office, Parks and Recreation, so on and so forth. Other times, it's The Doctors, whatever is on the History or Discovery channel. Once in a while, I like watching documentaries on Netflix. I think I learn from those, sometimes. Breaking Bad taught me how to make meth and how to negotiate. I won't be making any drugs, because that shit scares the hell out of me, but I will use the negotiation tactics. I learned a lot about drug trade from Weeds, hah. I don't care to use that information, but I love the show. I had a woman crush on Nancy for a while. :) Anyhow, I'm sitting here watching tv, The Doctors to be specific. I'm not sure what's going on, but they are dancing. How random. Lately, I've noticed my blogs have gotten thousands and hundreds of views. How does this happen? Who's reading my blogs? I don't mind whoever does, but send me a message what you think or hell, what you'd like to know about me. I don't mind answering questions or anything. So don't be afraid to hit me up. I've been told I make a decent friend. If you need anything, I'll be happy to help. Anyhow, I'm going to work on my classes. I've been slacking. Hope y'all have a great day!

"I'm really in love with him"

It may be because I'm a realist. It could be the fact I'm sort of a pessimist. It might be that from all the overly dramatic teen books I've read I've learned a little something. Love, at my age, isn't real. Or doesn't exist. It's just a feeling, I think everyone wants or likes. I've thought I was in real love twice, and both times it sucked. I hated the feeling. Maybe I'll just grow up to be one of those people that never really fall in love. Which being the case I want to have a family someday could be pretty disappointing. I hate when people my age or younger believe they've found love. Real love. I don't think it exists at my age. How could it? Why would anyone want to settle down at this age? What about those regretful college party years? I just don't get how people, at 17, could really think they found the one. HOW? If you're in love at a young age please enlighten me on how you really think you found the one. And when you're divorced at 25, remember I'll be here to redirect you to this frustrated blog entry. I'm sorry if I offend, it's just another angry blog about how naive people think love really exists. I'm sure it does, but really. 50% of the time it's probably lust. Remember people, there is a difference. Look it up. Lust. Love. Two different things. Lust is often mistaken for love. I'm going to stop ranting, because I'm just getting more angry. Have a good day, my friends and fellow EP-ers.

Nothing But The Truth

 I'm 5 7', weigh 215 lbs, I have brown hair and brown eyes. I was cursed with my mother's small boobs and my father's missing ass. My hair goes down to the middle of my back, and just recently I got bangs that cover my forehead. I don't have bad acne. I was born shy and quiet. I'll speak my mind when I need too, but most of the time I'll quietly think. Not that thinking is a loud process. If you knew me you'd know I can be loud, annoying (sometimes), and I'm just all around weird. I have two sisters, though they are really my half sisters since we have different dads. I also have two step brothers. Being the youngest of four is no walk in the park. They are over protective of me, and they hardly know anything about me. I used to live with my mom and step dad, but I moved with my sister, brother-in-law, and niece. I feel better living with them. My family is okay with this living arrangement because we are hardly a family. We aren't churchy, we don't sit at the dinner table. We don't say I love you and hug each other all the time. We don't share our feelings. My family isn't all bad though, we have our good days, but like all families we have our bad days. I had a pretty okay life growing up. Until I turned 9. My dad passed away. I can't remember why, but he did. It messed me up. I stopped talking to that side of the family, and now they don't consider me family anymore. It does make me sad, and in some ways it makes me think I'm better off. I've always been sort of a loner. After that my life sort of went down hill. I got older, taller, wider, and when I got to junior high, I got depression. As I went through puberty, I also became very curious. I started playing with myself for a long time, then I stopped after thinking my vagina was misshaped. I started cutting myself somewhere between my 7th and 8th grade years. It instantly became a habit. Jeans covered my scared ankle. When summer rolled around, I'd wear jeans after telling my mom what I had done she helped me buy some scar cream which did help. After that I wore capris all the time. I wasn't out of the park though. I met Adam in 9th grade. We'd gone to school since kindergarten, but hadn't really noticed each other until then. We flirted for over a year, the guy was so dense. I remember when he asked me out a few days before christmas. Talk about best Christmas present ever. We'd date on and off for two years, and after calling it quits, really calling it quits, I'd gotten more depressed. I cut my wrists. He unintentionally made me feel like shit and eventually because family, school, and the pressure of life in general was too much. I tried to kill myself. With aspirin. I was terrified when I took it. I told the school counsler who called my mom who drove me to the er. It was crazy in there. Like all my thoughts were missing. I couldn't think in there. Like they put a mind block. I met people in there who just from three days, changed my life. When I got out, my grades went up and soon I'd drop out. Deciding to take online classes and hopefully graduate with my friends. That's my dream right there. To graduate and to hear my family say, "I'm so proud of you". After dropping out, I lost a lot of friends and it really showed me who cared and who didn't. I'm now left with my friends Ali, ShayShay, and Adam. Weird, that we're friends now. After my social life became nonexistant, I made a kik and suddenly I felt my life had meaning. I met great people and sucky assholes who I never want to talk to again. I do admit I sent pictures to people, but they were hardly naked. The most skin I showed was the skin on my face I prefer to hide my massive body. I'm no model, and I know this. I met guys who told me they could make me happy, but they changed their mind after seeing me or my body (which was clothed). I had my first phone sex experience with this guy. It was odd, and I was really nervous, but when we were done I felt like we really had it. Like he was the only guy in the world. But we argued about something and he was the only guy whose made me cry. Odd, considering we've never met. I had sex a week or so ago. With a guy I met on the internet. He lives a town over from me, he's 32. I was lonely and wanted company. He didn't ask about sex until the middle of the second movie. We watch The Human Centipede and Snowtown Murders (both awesome and gross movies). I was afraid when he asked about this. Being most of the time we spent together we talked about his life and my life. Sex wasn't the first topic. Then, something came over me. I don't know what it was, but I grabbed his face and made out with him. Eventually we had sex. I got my first kiss, first makeout, first finger, first gawd, everything else in one day. We watched Grey's Anatomy and did it again. He spent the night, notifying me I snore like an old man, he parted. I didn't honestly know he'd be coming over to have sex. Really, I thought it was nothing but friends. I do regret it, but it has opened my eyes. I tried to stop taking my pills after that, and I cut myself again on my thigh. It doesn't sting at all which concerns me. I'm beginning to think that I'm dying on the inside. I can't even feel these cuts anymore. I had a dream about running away, I want to but I have no where to go.
More about me. I love anime, classic disney movies, foreign movies of any sort. I love music, not a big fan of country or gospel. I feel uncomfortable in churches being I'm an aethist. I scrapbook, read, and bury myself in my writings. I write stories about scenarios I wish I was in or am terrified to be in. I've fallen in love twice, but never been in love. Which is what I'm dying to feel. To be in love. I always doubted love, believing it was fake. But I'd love to kiss a guy knowing he's mine forever. or until I die. I don't believe in forever. Just my personal opinion. I spend a lot of time by myself, and I prefer to be alone. Just forever alone syndrome.

Edit: Change

So I figured hey someday I'll get an amazing boyfriend, with a great personality. We'd go on a date, kiss, and gradually we'd work our way to sex. The big deal. Especially to a virgin. I really want a boyfriend who'll treat me like a queen, while I treat him like my king. I was hoping for that sort of fairytale start. Nope. I didn't get that. My temptations, needs, and wants got in the way of that magical start and end. I lost my v-card. To a man that I only talked too for a day, maybe not even a day. A few hours. I can't say I don't regret it, but I can say I made a choice and maybe it was a mistake, maybe it wasn't. I'll learn from it later on. I kind of feel like this guy gave me the perfect opportunity. Maybe I'll change for the better. Maybe. Just maybe, I'll finally be happy.

Change

There's so much of it happening around me, I'm almost suffocating. I like the idea of what change can bring me, but I'm not sure I'm ready to actually begin the process. How do I start?...Living in the city is different yet comforting. I'm not the girl everyone checks out, but here guys talk to me. I feel accepted, even though I'm not a size 0. Not to mention, there's so many amazingly gorgeous people up here. Sometimes it makes me feel hideous, but I feel like I'm happier and I feel somewhat more beautiful. That probably sounds stupid. Oh well. On another note, I have a boyfriend, kind of. We're dating, but we can't see each other. Like long distance. We live in the same state, but he's like way north from me. :/ and turns out, my cousin knows him. Odd, I think. Considering I was just going to be his rebound. I know that sounds slutty, but sometimes people just need it. I unfortunately started cutting again. Last night was the first time in almost a month. It stung this morning, but it didn't hurt. Which was nice. I plan to stop eventually, but that takes time and support. Since no one really knows, support won't be exactly easy. I hate being alone with my thoughts, its scary for me. Like they're dragging me into the dark of my mind. The dark that was supposed to be taken away by the pills I was given. False advertisement. How disappointing. I'm dying to get lost in my music and daydream, but my Aunt is coming over to visit. Damn it.

My fat lazy sister.

I only say that because I am pissed off. My brother and I moved everything, he moved more than I did. Either way, I'm exhausted. The only plus is I'm gaining muscle and sweating. Sweating is obviously good, why? I burn the fat! :D and god knows I have tons of it. Oh my phone was shut off..which means I am unavailable to kik. Apologies if I haven't messaged back. Anyhow, we're finally moved out and today the papers were successfully signed. I'm not excited however. We still have to drive all this stuff two hours away.IIt'll take not only one trip..but if we're lucky six. SIX TRIPS! D:< Not too mention, my sister is terrible at packing. So I literally pack the van until nothing else can fit. I got to go. Packing all this shit! -___-

New Me

I haven't been blogging as much as I used too. Why you ask? Because, I am moving with my sister! :D it's too hours away from where I live now. So it's not too far away. Its far away enough. ^-^ I'll still be able to see my friends and family, but not as much. I'll miss my friends more than anything, and my dog. The only people I told where ShayShay, Ali, and my ex. (Since we're besties again). I think moving will give me a chance to really start over and maybe better myself. I'll be capable of getting a job, doing my online schooling (maybe graduating on time or earlier!) I was also hoping maybe I could meet a girl to date. Since I'm questioning my sexuality, why not take it on a test run? Hah. I'll try to keep blogging, but I'll be busy as hell moving. And playing Robot Unicorn Attack 2. It's free, download it and play it! Join team inferno! :D hah. Talk to y'all later.

BFF

It's hard being friends with my ex. Especially since I still like him, told him that I did, and was extremely shot down and friendzoned. We're still friends though. I was told if you really loved someone, you'd be happy to see them happy, even if it wasn't with you. He's dating my friend, Ninji. And it hurts seeing them together, knowing that's how him and I used to be. I feel my heart literally shatter into fifty thousand little pieces. I hug my niece and tell her I love her then everything is better. I'm improvving my acting skills. The other day he came over to hangout and he told me about him and Ninji. He had this smile on his face that made my stomach light and made my heart heavy. That was the smile he used to have with me. I pretended it didn't bother me. When we text, I pretend tosupport his relationship but I really kills me and squishes me Into nothing. On another note, my friend Ali..the one I had a crush on..made me feel like I should've taken more pills. (I tried to overdose last October). She has an amazing body..all the guys like her for it. When she gets hit.on around me..she talks about how fat and ugly she is. This makes me feel useless. Since i dont exactly have the body of a Victoria Secret model or an amazing personality..I'm just normal me iguess. Guys don't really come chasing after me, they chase the pretty thin girls around me. Makes me feel worthless. Like no one will ever love me. Someday right? Everyone falls In love. Reading this back, makes me sound like a typical, self-conscious, teenage girl. Which I am. So apologies for my typical complaining blog.

Fall For Your Type

He just makes my heartbeat fast. He gives me butterflies and makes me feel floaty. Like I'm on cloud nine. Who am I talking about? My ex. Terrible, right? I'm supposed to hate him. I don't though. Never did, I couldn't sit around and pretend to hate him, when I wish I could get one last chance to do a do-over. To show him all my feelings, to express everything I've ever felt for him. I guess that'd be sex. Hmm. Anyway, we started talking again, but we're just friends. Just friends. I have to keep convincing myself that's all we are. Because I still like him, I wish we were more. Every time he texts me. I just wish we could be what we used to be, but I can tell in his words and his touch that we're just bound friends. Disappointing? For me, yes. For him? I can't read minds, so I technically don't have any idea. The title of this blog is named after a song by Drake. Look it up. It's really fitting towards this blog. In my eyes anyway..I do fall for his type and that is a terrible thing. Right? I guess I'm happy if he's happy, even if it's not with me.

Second Choice

I've always been the shy girl, if not that then I'd come off as mean, cold hearted, or bitchy. I never meant to be anything more than shy or quiet. I just wanted to be at peace with everyone around me. I grew up and out, gaining weight at an unnatural pace, and began losing myself to depression. After making many mistakes and learning many life lessons, I've discovered that I know myself a little more than I used too. Since then, I've been a little more happier, unfortunately gotten wider, but I feel more positive. I actually look forward to the future and the life I have yet to live. I'm excited, scared, and nervous for my future. I'm also very happy with the advantages I've been blessed with and the ones I'll receive. I'm lucky. Though, I don't feel lucky..How so? Well, I'm not good looking. I'm not saying that to get compliments; I'm just stating an obvious fact. I have good features, but not with this body or crooked teeth. I'm not self-conscious about anything other then that. I've been called cute. But, never beautiful or pretty, not even gorgeous. If I am told so, I won't believe it, because I'm convinced I'm ugly. I never liked that word, I usually try to avoid it. My sisters were given beautiful smiles and big boobs, meanwhile I was left with qualitites that aren't wanted. I'd rather be pretty and thin than smart and fat. (fat is another stray-from word) Pretty people always go far in life, as do smart people. I'm neither of which. I have common sense and I read which give the illusion of "smarts". Which my family always says I am. It annoys me. If I were smart I wouldn't have probelms reading out loud, writing a simple essay, or doing math. Everything would be a breeze if I were smart or pretty. But I'm not. Which is something I have to live with. Love should tie into this somehow, but I can't figure out how. I've never really had any other "boyfriends" than Adam. We were like awkward best friends though. Another reason I'm the "u" word. Guys never look at me. They look at whoever I'm with, rather that be my friends or my sisters. I'm the person everyone looks past or the second person they look at. I guess I don't stand out much. Not like they do either. Is it because I'm fat? Maybe. Is it because I'm ugly? Maybe. So why am I always number two? Why can't I ever be a first choice? Will a guy ever look at me and think "damn, she's beautiful." What am I thinking? This is 2013, no guy thinks like that. I gave up love and possible boyfriends along time ago .There's really no point, if I'll always be last.

Scars

Mine were self inflicted. I don't regret doing it, but I regret the scarring. I guess that sort of contradicts itself. It's summer, a time of shorts, tank tops, and bikinis. Here I am in sweatpants and a thin hoodie. What. The. Hell. I'm sweaty and tired which makes for a gross combination. I wear a hoodie to hide the light pink scars on my arm, which I'm thinking of saying fuck it. I'll let them be free, so I can wear short sleeves. I won't be wearing shorts anytime soon, not that I would anyway. I have multiple large scars on my thigh. Not deep ones, just shallow ones, enough to bleed those pretty red dots. The ones by my knee are the newest and there is only one that is covered in layers of bandages. It isn't very deep, but it's certainly deeper than the rest. Impacted with the tiniest piece of glass. Which after I had thrown away. While having a panic attack, I cleaned it up , covered it with band-aids, and now its healing. It'll no doubt leave a scar. I can feel it through my pants. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not well in the head. So what's wrong with me? If I am crazy, I wouldn't mind living in a psyche ward. It'd be a new experience, somewhat. I had stayed in the hospital for my previous mishap, which felt more like home than the hell I live in ever would. When I left I promised myself that I'd start a new life. It proved a challenge and without support I fell back into old habits. I began cutting with broken glass. Which made permanent marks on my arms, my leg, and ankle. I don't hide the eraser burns on my shin and the amateur cuts on my ankle. It's hard not to notice when people spot them. They glance down and they give a small quick look of concern. I usually sit on my leg, cross my ankles, or wear jeans to hide them. Since they still make me self-conscious, it really doesn't help when I can feel stares of judgement. That is what hurts. That is what makes my mind disappear to a place where a voice tells me my flaws. Over and over. Until every inch of my being is filled with hatred. No, I don't really hear voice, that my friends is a metaphor. I wasn't any good when it came to English, sure I'm great at writing, but I can't write properly. Since I dropped out I'm sure it's gotten worse. My grammar, mathematics, sciences, I've pretty much forgotten it all. Which makes me wonder why high school adds up to be such a waste. I'm happy I dropped out, yet not. From my peers perspectives, I didn't drop out, I'm home-schooled. From a laptop. I haven't been keeping up on that, not easy to when I get no encouragement. "Keep up the great work!" or "Don't worry, you'll pass the test this time!" would be awesome. Then I remember, my family isn't a family, it's just familiar strangers. A heartbreaking moment of reality and a sting of the truth. What do I want in life right now? To graduate, to show everyone I did it, despite everyone, (including family) who doubted me. You fuckers. Not that I'm surprised, my mom did a shit job of raising us, yet we turned out somewhat decent. I'm the after math of a dead father and a mother who doesn't care. I'm the screw up. The child who had the most promise to her life, but messed it all up. School, friends, everything gone. What I'm left with is friendships that keep fading and a sadness that I've been waking up with. Is this how I'll wake up every morning? I would hope not, because it leaves me feeling hopeless, lost, and hurt. I don't know why I feel hurt, but I do sometimes. Lost because I know I need to change my ways, but I don't know where to start or how to begin. I didn't grow up with guidance, except from my older sisters. Which I'm thankful for. My sister and brother-in-law feel more like parents than Mom does. Mom feels too much like an acquaintance, rather than a mother. I know if worse comes to worse, they'd encourage me and push me 'til I get my stuff done. Like a parent would. I'm not calling my mom not a parent, because she paid for everything I have and everything I've got. Yet most of that was my father's left over money. So who should I thank? My pill popping, loveless mother, who let me live under her wing for almost 18 years or a father who's face i can't remember and who's checks I still get. I won't thank anyone, not yet. My life doesn't feel like it should be thanked for.

1-20 of 98 Blogs   

Previous Posts
I've Been Slacking, posted March 20th, 2014
Growing Up, posted February 10th, 2014
A Month Already?, posted January 17th, 2014, 1 comment
From the Notes On My Phone, posted December 9th, 2013
November's Gone, posted December 1st, 2013
Want To Go Private, posted October 26th, 2013
It's Been 1 Year, posted October 21st, 2013, 1 comment
Sleepless in Iowa, posted October 3rd, 2013
"You're my best friend", posted October 2nd, 2013
Advertisement, posted September 30th, 2013
"I'm really in love with him", posted September 24th, 2013
Nothing But The Truth, posted September 17th, 2013
Edit: Change, posted September 9th, 2013
Change, posted September 3rd, 2013
My fat lazy sister., posted August 16th, 2013
New Me, posted August 6th, 2013
BFF, posted July 27th, 2013
Fall For Your Type, posted July 24th, 2013
Second Choice, posted July 13th, 2013
Scars, posted July 11th, 2013
Hey, You're Cute. Let's F--k., posted June 27th, 2013, 2 comments
Empty, posted June 20th, 2013
I Caused These Problems.., posted June 16th, 2013
Attack, posted June 10th, 2013, 2 comments
Pride, posted June 9th, 2013, 1 comment
Broken Glass, posted June 3rd, 2013
Chat Rooms, posted May 24th, 2013
Awkward Moments.., posted May 22nd, 2013
Kind of Upset, posted May 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Blue Flowers, posted May 5th, 2013, 1 comment
Wasting Time., posted April 15th, 2013, 1 comment
Fighting Temptations.., posted April 14th, 2013, 1 comment
Ugly, posted April 4th, 2013
Final Project, posted March 30th, 2013
Taken into Consideration, posted March 27th, 2013
Asleep, posted March 21st, 2013
Friendzoned Secrets, posted March 9th, 2013
Liar, posted March 8th, 2013
Errands, posted March 1st, 2013
My Everyday, posted February 28th, 2013
Wallflower, posted February 18th, 2013
Lovestruck, posted February 11th, 2013
Rage and Tears, posted January 30th, 2013
Inside, posted January 27th, 2013
Its Easy To Pretend.., posted January 27th, 2013
Meltdown, posted January 26th, 2013
Depressed, posted January 26th, 2013, 2 comments
Heeeavy, posted January 25th, 2013, 1 comment
Today Will Be Hell, posted January 25th, 2013
Best Friend's Boyfriend, posted January 23rd, 2013, 1 comment
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